There is something about September that can make us feel as though we should be doing something.
The summer begins to draw to a close. Routines return. Diaries fill. The children go back to school. The mornings become a little darker, the evenings a little shorter, and there is often a subtle shift in the air that tells us another season is beginning. And with it can come that familiar feeling that perhaps we should begin again too.
We might start thinking about what we need to change, what we haven’t achieved yet, what we should be doing differently, or who we would like to become. There is nothing wrong with wanting to grow. Change can be deeply positive, and there are times in our lives when we genuinely do need to make different choices.
But I wonder if we sometimes approach personal growth from the wrong starting point. We begin with the assumption that there is something wrong with us that needs fixing. We tell ourselves that we need to become more confident, more organised, more successful, more positive, less anxious, less emotional, less sensitive. And without realising it, self-development can become another way of telling ourselves that who we are right now isn’t enough.
What if there were another way?
What if instead of asking, “Who do I need to become?”, we asked, “What would I like to nurture?” That feels like a very different question. It doesn’t demand that we reject who we are. It invites us to become curious about ourselves.
- Perhaps you want to nurture more self-trust.
- Perhaps you want to nurture healthier boundaries, greater confidence, more creativity, deeper relationships, more rest, or simply a greater sense of peace.
- Perhaps there is something that has been quietly asking for your attention for a long time.
This is where I think the idea of becoming becomes particularly interesting from a therapeutic perspective. We are not fixed. Our patterns, habits and ways of responding can change. But meaningful change doesn’t necessarily require us to fight against ourselves.
In therapeutic approaches such as Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, the focus is not simply on getting rid of difficult thoughts or feelings. Instead, it includes learning to make room for our internal experiences while becoming clearer about what matters to us and taking action that is consistent with those values. That distinction matters.
Because sometimes the most important question isn’t, “How can I stop feeling this?” It is, “What do I want to move towards, even while I feel this?”
Maybe you’ve spent years being guided by fear, people-pleasing, perfectionism or the need to keep everyone else happy. These patterns may once have helped you cope, belong or feel safe. But something that was useful at one point in our lives isn’t necessarily something we need to carry forever.
Letting go of an old pattern doesn’t mean judging the person who developed it. It means understanding it. Perhaps you can begin to say, “I understand why I learned to do this. And I wonder whether I need to do it in quite the same way anymore.”
That is a very different conversation from, “Why am I still like this?” One is compassionate curiosity. The other is criticism. And self-compassion is not about avoiding responsibility or deciding that nothing needs to change. In fact, research and psychological approaches increasingly recognise that responding to ourselves with greater kindness can support resilience, learning and meaningful behaviour change. It makes sense when you think about it.
When we feel constantly judged, even by ourselves, we can become defensive, discouraged or afraid of getting things wrong. When we feel safe enough to be honest with ourselves, we can look more closely. We can acknowledge what isn’t working. We can recognise what we need. And then we can make different choices.
Sometimes becoming happens through very small decisions. Choosing not to answer immediately when you need time to think. Saying no without offering a long explanation. Going to bed instead of pushing through exhaustion. Allowing yourself to be a beginner. Asking for help. Speaking to yourself differently after making a mistake. Taking ten minutes to do something that brings you back to yourself. None of these things look particularly dramatic. But repeated small choices can gradually change the direction of our lives.
And perhaps that is the most important thing to remember about becoming. You don’t have to transform your entire life in order to move in a new direction. You can begin with one small thing. One quality. One value. One part of yourself that you decide deserves a little more attention.
Imagine planting a seed. You don’t pull it out of the soil every morning to check whether it has grown. You create the conditions it needs. You give it water. You give it light. You protect it. You give it time.
Growth happens gradually, often beneath the surface long before anything becomes visible. We can be like that too. There may be changes happening within you that nobody else can see. You may be learning to trust yourself after years of doubting your instincts. You may be becoming more comfortable with your boundaries. You may be learning to sit with an emotion rather than immediately pushing it away. You may be discovering what you actually want, rather than what you have been taught you should want.
That is becoming too.
And perhaps this is why I don’t think we need to approach September as another opportunity to reinvent ourselves. We don’t need another list of things to fix. Perhaps we simply need to pause and ask:
- What matters to me now?
- What part of myself would I like to nurture?
- What am I ready to make a little more space for?
There may be no immediate answer. And that’s okay. Sometimes creating the space for the question is the beginning. Because becoming isn’t about reaching some perfect, finished version of ourselves. We are not projects to complete. We are human beings, continually learning, adapting, healing and growing through the different seasons of our lives.
And perhaps the most beautiful kind of growth is not becoming someone new at all. Perhaps it is becoming more fully yourself.
You don’t have to reinvent yourself.
You can simply choose what you want to nurture next.
A question to carry with you this month:
What is one part of yourself you’d like to nurture, not because it’s broken, but because it matters to you?
With love and renewal,
Laura
